Barely a year ago, Valve dropped a major bomb for online gamers with the release of Left 4 Dead. Even a year later people are still playing, and particularly in Australia’s case, unless you’re able to import a copy that hasn’t been censored, you’re probably better off continuing to play the original over this bare bones version that barely resembles a game of any worth at all. Everyone knows the story, Michael Atkinson doesn’t like computer games and thinks they’re the devil, refuses to budge on an R18+ rating, Valve wants to get it out the door for a worldwide release and jerks their knee so hard that not only did they remove any blood and gore from a zombie game, but a whole crap-ton of gameplay while they were at it. Very poor form all round. 

Expect all these zombies to magically dissappear in the Australian version

So you would think that, ok Valve has to tone down the game so that it can get released. But when the sequel is so toned down it becomes a joke, it’s just not good enough no matter how you look at it. Why is the original a hundred times bloodier than this? Where is the consistency in quality? Are they trying to anger gamers so that we take action against the system? Because if the answer is yes, it’s an awfully expensive point to prove. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty of why the censored version of Left 4 Dead 2 is one of this year’s biggest disappointments.  

Remember back in the first one how you would blast away hordes of the un-dead to see them satisfyingly pile up? Forget it, gone! As soon as you kill a zombie it fades away like some game you would find on the last generation of consoles. It doesn’t even hit the floor before it fades away. You’ll see it disappear before your very eyes like it didn’t exist at all…what is this? 1992? 

Not Pictured: Fading zombies

Second point, melee weapons. Melee weapons were one of the boxes that Valve ticked when it announced this game, all subsequent footage and reports made it look and sound like a blast to play with. Forget it, gone! Well, it’s not gone just sort of useless. You can swing an axe, rev a chainsaw, throw a can of petrol and explode it creating one big fireball, just don’t expect to see anything that would give you any satisfaction at all. Chainsaws feel like they are cutting through thin air, actually everything feels like you’re cutting through thin air. You can’t even tell half the time if the AI has even registered a hit, you just have to wait and see if they fade away or not. It feels like you’re fighting a horde of people made from paper. Because there aren’t any gory death animations or reactions, you’ll often see the zombies do goofy things and then disappear. Ammo that would usually set half the country on fire apparently doesn’t work on zombies in Michael Atkinson’s 1950s utopia, even though everyone secretly knows that this is bollocks.  

If you think this is awesome, you would be right, you're not looking at the censored version

I have to be quite honest here and ask Valve, why bother? Why bother releasing something that is almost unplayable, censored to such an extent that it actually ruins the core gameplay mechanics? Why bother? Valve, you should’ve saved yourself the time and money and just not released it. Please don’t take the mickey out of us gamers with stunts like this, we get enough of that treatment from our politicians, we shouldn’t expect it from one of our all time favourite game developers. 

If Valve had come out and said, “We’re not releasing this game in your country because the OFLC has deemed it unsuitable within the framework of your stupid and inconsistent rating system in Australia and we refuse to censor it because we think you guys should have the real deal or nothing at all,” we would’ve backed you all the way and gotten our import boogie on. Instead we pick up the sequel expecting it to be similar to the first one (with a few small things removed), lay down our cash and are rewarded with a game that is barely playable. It just seems a bit lazy and is definitely a big smudge on Valve’s almost flawless back catalogue.  

Yes it functions, but there is no fun in function this time around, this is poo. Why not change the blood fluro green? Why not take the time to scale back on some of the over the top violence and meet the censors half way? Don’t be lazy, because us gamers don’t like that and we know when you’re just taking the piss. The levels and online modes all work, but since the gameplay, tension and feel of the overall game has been compromised, what does it matter?  

If you bought a copy of Left 4 Dead 2, you’ve probably already returned it and hit up Play Asia for your uncensored version (which is region free by the way), if you haven’t bought it just yet and wanted to revisit the excellent world that the brilliant first game created, don’t waste your time because Valve didn’t waste theirs when they decided to cut everything back so much that it barely resembles the original vision at all.  

Zombies can do magic and dissappear when you shoot them!

At this point in time the first one still rules the roost. I know that’s not the case overseas but since we’ve had two local releases we can seriously say that you should stick with the first one and just forget the second.  

Left 4 Dead 2 has been left for dead.  Its road kill that has been shovelled into the back of a broken down truck by a sad little public servant who wishes they had a better job.  The word AVOID is your friend if you even think of buying this game.  

Note: We will have a review of the uncensored version very soon.  I suspect that will be a different story all together.